first fig

my candle burns at both ends…

Category: Are you kidding me

New Years’s Resolution

Here is what I will be working on during this new year:

Prairie Muffins are happy to be girls—they rejoice in the distinctives which God sovereignly bestowed on them which make them feminine. They are also happy that their husbands are masculine, and they do not diminish that masculinity by harping on habits which emanate from the fact that boys will be boys, even when they grow up. In addition, Prairie Muffins are careful not to use their feminine, hormotional weaknesses to excuse sinful attitudes and actions, but learn to depend more and more on God’s grace and strength in the midst of any monthly trials.
I especially have to stop blaming all my weaknesses on being “hormotional.” For those of you who are looking for New Year’s resolutions, there are a whole wealth of them here. Enjoy.
Happy New Year!

Family Blog

So mr. mraynes decided that we needed a family blog. If you are interested, come and check us out.

House of Dead Dogs: A Comedy

Scene: A mother nervously approaches a strange house where she will be dropping her Baby Monster off for a few hours while she and her husband attend a wedding. The mother nervously rings the doorbell and waits. A slightly frazzled looking woman answers the door and ushers the mother and the Baby Monster into her home. Trying to ease the awkwardness, the mother introduces herself and the Baby Monster, thanks the woman for watching her child and assures the woman that the Baby Monster is the sweetest baby that ever walked the earth. At this point, the Baby Monster yelps with delight and runs into the living room. The mother follows behind to see what he is so excited about and notices the rear end of a dog sticking out from underneath a sheet. Baby Monster is jumping up and down and pointing to the dog.

Mother: Oh look, Baby Monster, it’s a puppy! You love puppies!

Baby Monster: Dawk! Dawk! (More jumping and pointing).

Mother: I know, you love dogs!

Frazzled-Looking Woman: Yeah, the dog is dead.

Stunned silence. A teary, fourteen year old girl removes the sheet to reveal a stiff dog, spread-eagle on the floor. More stunned silence.

Mother: I am…so…sorry.

Frazzled-Looking Woman: Yes, she died in the middle of the night. We’re not quite sure what to do with her.

Baby Monster runs over and hits the dog which, to his credit, is his way of petting animals but is, nevertheless, incredibly inappropriate for the situation. The mother ushers her Baby Monster to the other side of the room. Mother wonders what the proper etiquette is in this situation and whether she should leave her baby at a home where they allow dead dogs to lay on the living room floor for hours at a time.

Mother: Well, I should be back around 3:00 to pick Baby Monster up. Mother mumbles something about being sorry again. Um…Ok…I guess I’ll see you later. Um…Bye.

End of Scene

What I Learned From My Ward’s Relief Society Birthday Party!

Bathsheba W. Smith, third president of the General Relief Society, was not in fact, the Bathsheba from the Bible. Nope, she never went prancing around without her clothes on.
This information is generously brought to you from my ward’s Relief Society Birthday Party.

Godly Humor

Do you ever get the feeling that God really enjoys playing jokes on his children?

I went to Relief Society today for the first time in almost two months. Between cruising, illnesses and nursing a baby monster through the last hour of church, I rarely get to meet with the sisters in the ward.

DH volunteered to take the baby monster to Elders’ Quorum and I gladly accepted as I have been feeling nostalgic for Relief Society recently (for the first time ever!). Everything was going great–the good news minute kept me feeling good for the whole minute, and even the visiting teaching moment was sufficiently uplifting.

And then the Stake Relief Society president gets up to give the lesson…

“Sisters, today the lesson is on ‘joyfully, willingly, and quietly‘ submitting.”

The joke was definitely on me.

Poor People Ruin Everything: A Drama

A mother and father sit patiently listening to a new pediatrician explaining to them that they should not have been concerned about the liquid exploding from either end of their baby monster for the past three days. The father is having an especially difficult time averting his eyes away from the over sized denim smock, depicting pastel Winnie the Pooh characters, that seems to have swallowed the small, lady pediatrician. Suddenly, the mother realizes that there is a vital question that must be asked…

Mother: Doctor, we are going to the Caribbean at the end of December. Are there any immunizations that the baby monster might need before we leave.

Pediatrician: Oh, no! Don’t worry about that! Just take hand sanitizer and baby monster should be fine. You know, Mr. Pediatrician and myself went to the Caribbean a couple of years ago. It was so difficult because we were on this really nice vacation and we saw so many people living in poverty. Now we go to Hawaii; there are still poor people but at least you don’t have to see them!

Mother and Father look at each other. Stunned silence.

The End.