first fig

Here is what I will be working on during this new year:

Scene: A mother nervously approaches a strange house where she will be dropping her Baby Monster off for a few hours while she and her husband attend a wedding. The mother nervously rings the doorbell and waits. A slightly frazzled looking woman answers the door and ushers the mother and the Baby Monster into her home. Trying to ease the awkwardness, the mother introduces herself and the Baby Monster, thanks the woman for watching her child and assures the woman that the Baby Monster is the sweetest baby that ever walked the earth. At this point, the Baby Monster yelps with delight and runs into the living room. The mother follows behind to see what he is so excited about and notices the rear end of a dog sticking out from underneath a sheet. Baby Monster is jumping up and down and pointing to the dog.

Mother: Oh look, Baby Monster, it’s a puppy! You love puppies!

Baby Monster: Dawk! Dawk! (More jumping and pointing).

Mother: I know, you love dogs!

Frazzled-Looking Woman: Yeah, the dog is dead.

Stunned silence. A teary, fourteen year old girl removes the sheet to reveal a stiff dog, spread-eagle on the floor. More stunned silence.

Mother: I am…so…sorry.

Frazzled-Looking Woman: Yes, she died in the middle of the night. We’re not quite sure what to do with her.

Baby Monster runs over and hits the dog which, to his credit, is his way of petting animals but is, nevertheless, incredibly inappropriate for the situation. The mother ushers her Baby Monster to the other side of the room. Mother wonders what the proper etiquette is in this situation and whether she should leave her baby at a home where they allow dead dogs to lay on the living room floor for hours at a time.

Mother: Well, I should be back around 3:00 to pick Baby Monster up. Mother mumbles something about being sorry again. Um…Ok…I guess I’ll see you later. Um…Bye.

End of Scene

Do you ever get the feeling that God really enjoys playing jokes on his children?

I went to Relief Society today for the first time in almost two months. Between cruising, illnesses and nursing a baby monster through the last hour of church, I rarely get to meet with the sisters in the ward.

DH volunteered to take the baby monster to Elders’ Quorum and I gladly accepted as I have been feeling nostalgic for Relief Society recently (for the first time ever!). Everything was going great–the good news minute kept me feeling good for the whole minute, and even the visiting teaching moment was sufficiently uplifting.

And then the Stake Relief Society president gets up to give the lesson…

“Sisters, today the lesson is on ‘joyfully, willingly, and quietly‘ submitting.”

The joke was definitely on me.

A mother and father sit patiently listening to a new pediatrician explaining to them that they should not have been concerned about the liquid exploding from either end of their baby monster for the past three days. The father is having an especially difficult time averting his eyes away from the over sized denim smock, depicting pastel Winnie the Pooh characters, that seems to have swallowed the small, lady pediatrician. Suddenly, the mother realizes that there is a vital question that must be asked…

Mother: Doctor, we are going to the Caribbean at the end of December. Are there any immunizations that the baby monster might need before we leave.

Pediatrician: Oh, no! Don’t worry about that! Just take hand sanitizer and baby monster should be fine. You know, Mr. Pediatrician and myself went to the Caribbean a couple of years ago. It was so difficult because we were on this really nice vacation and we saw so many people living in poverty. Now we go to Hawaii; there are still poor people but at least you don’t have to see them!

Mother and Father look at each other. Stunned silence.