The Truth About Pop Music and Feminism
Cross-Posted at the Exponent
This past Saturday, mr. mraynes and I watched High Fidelity for the first time. About fifteen minutes into the movie, the John Cusack character asks, “Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable, or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?” This question resonated with me because I have recently been asking myself a similar question:
Am I feminist because I’m discontented, or am I discontented because I’m a feminist?
Since leaving my job, moving to a new state and becoming a stay-at-home mother, I have felt a level of unhappiness that truly surprised me. I expected the transition to be hard but I did not expect to feel so vulnerable all of the time. My self-esteem completely collapsed in the space of two weeks and I am left feeling overwhelmingly helpless. Things are starting to get better, I am settling into a routine and I’m sure that with time, I will even enjoy being at home. But that doesn’t negate the very real fact that changing my fairly progressive lifestyle to a traditional one has wreaked havoc on my emotions, my relationships and my general happiness with life.
My question above is a proverbial chicken and egg question and really one of assigning blame; whose fault is it for my disillusionment with domesticity? The answer may seem obvious but humor me for a minute. Let’s analyze the first part of my question, am I feminist because I’m discontented? This begs the question, what in my life makes me discontented enough to turn to feminism? Well, the lack of quantifiable equality within the church and its’ rhetoric on gender causes me a great deal of pain and frustration. The invisibility of women in scripture, doctrine and bureaucracy is problematic at best. The diminishing of women to certain roles by Mormon culture echoes the objectification of women found in our broader society. We, as Mormons and members of society, should do better. This is why I am a feminist, to document, analyze and hopefully make better the small circles in which I travel.
If we are getting more specific to my life, I hate the inequitable division of domestic labor that mr. mraynes and I have now. Yes, he comes home and does the dishes but it doesn’t equal the multiple times I am on my hands and knees picking up cheerios each day. I hate feeling dependent on my husband to cover my basic needs. If I was to look at our relationship through the lens of academic feminism, the power dynamic in our relationship has changed dramatically. Money is power; before we were both financially contributing to our family, now I rely on the good will of mr. mraynes to see his money as “our money.” My knowledge of feminist theory is what I use to empower myself, it is my safety net in case I ever have to remind mr. mraynes not to be a misogynistic jerk. (I should note that this whole paragraph is horribly unfair to mr. mraynes who, himself, has been the stay-at-home dad and who has been nothing but kind, supportive and an egalitarian angel throughout this transition and our whole marriage.)
This brings me to the second half of my question, am I discontented because I’m a feminist? This is a hard question for me to want to answer honestly. Certainly if I didn’t have the framework of Friedan, Steinem, de Beauvoir, Toscano, it would be harder for me to articulate the gender inequities that I saw in the church, society or my individual life. I guess the question is, would I see them at all if I wasn’t a feminist? I can’t answer this question because I have never not been a feminist. I grew up in an egalitarian home and, although my feminism grew from that point, my expectation from life has always been equality. But in my dark moments (like the one that caused me to vow never to set foot in the Denver Public Library again), I really have to wonder, would I be happier if I always had the expectation of a traditional lifestyle and wanted nothing else? The “grass is always greener” side of me says yes, after all, Seriously So Blessed isn’t parodying nothing.
Does feminism make women happy is another proverbial question, one that has had lots of heated discussion already bestowed upon it. (See here, hereand here for a few examples). This is the conclusion I’ve come to: if feminism makes people unhappy it is because it illuminates all of the nasty parts of reality. It is much nicer to pretend inequality doesn’t exist or to not care if it does because it doesn’t affect you. I understand that this is a personal decision for every woman and man to make and I don’t judge anybody for not wanting to live a life where they see sexism, oppression and abuse all around them. But the truth is, these things do exist and some of us are going to see and speak it even if it is inconvenient or uncomfortable.
In the end, attempts to place blame, whether it be on feminism, the church or leprechauns, are always red herrings. Truth is complex and often it is easier to blame an other than to be comfortable with that complexity. I am currently trying to accept my own truth; yes, I am discontent because I’m a feminist, but also because reality sucks and I am pre-disposed to be melancholy. But I gain nothing by blaming anybody or anything for my unhappiness; all I can do is work hard to find some measure of joy in the place that I am.
I am so sorry that staying home is so difficult. You're not alone. I love how you articulate the problems you have been having. It's definitely complicated. Thanks for being so honest. It helps me. (We should talk sometime for realsies on the phone.)
Wow, how complicated! I can so understand how someone in your position would be confused as to the root cause of discontentment from inequality – namely, Am I discontented because I am programmed to be discontent when I see inequality? Or am I discontented because unequal behavior really does bother me, or because I really don't like my reality?I wasn't really raised with the feminist framework. My dad was a chauvinistic pig, and my mom stayed at home and was miserable. Dad's a great guy, but he is stuck in a 1950s time warp when it comes to roles. I recognized inequality within the church because I knew that I was thoroughly discontented with the strict gender roles that were enforced – I knew I couldn't comply with them. But it wasn't until after I learned some feminist theory that I was able to give my discontent a name. And the name "inequality" is powerful. I guess my point is, at the end of the day – it doesn't matter. The fact is, you are not content with how things are. Whether its because you recognize an inequality that wasn't there, or because the inequality itself is harmful, doesn't matter as much as the fact that you are harmed.
Thanks, K. It is nice to know I'm not alone in this matter and it will be even better when you join me here in Denver :). Let's chat again sometime.
Thanks for posting on my blog, Madam Curie. I love your second paragraph, it states your reality so emphatically. I think that my reality is similar to yours; I have always had an innate sense of fairness and I have a bad/good habit, depending on your outlook, of speaking it when I see it. Like you, feminist theory gave me the framework to do that. Your last point is profound and one that I need to deeply consider. Although I am in a much better place than where I was when I wrote this post, I think there are still some places where adjustments could be made.Thanks for the insightful comment. And also, I love you too (that was for comment on Caroline's post). 🙂
confession: sometimes i blog stalk you. i love reading your ideas… i'm sure you've read about the study that came out finding women have more power than they did in the 70's (not surprising) but are also less happy. have you? check it out.i have been trying to formulate a blog post on that very topic, but my feelings around it are so complex it's hard to articulate (yes, even more very verbose me).i will read yours again because of the clarity it brings in such a confusing topic.<3 amber