(the following is an excerpt from the sacrament meeting talk i gave in my ward several weeks ago.)
god gave me music at an early age. i was an incredibly anxious child and extremely shy. i went through the world hoping not to be noticed and barely speaking if I could at all help it. Read the rest of this entry »
[Content Note: This post discusses all forms of violence against women including sexual and physical violence]
two summers ago mr. mraynes and i listened to the Millennium Trilogy by stieg larsson as we drove to the northwest to visit our families. we generally liked the series, the characters were compelling and the story was interesting enough to keep us awake through the sometimes-boring landscapes. but the violence depicted in these books is overwhelming. there were times when I had to turn the story off and breath because I found myself being triggered by the detailed descriptions of the sexual and physical violence being perpetrated against women. Read the rest of this entry »
cross posted at the exponent
it seems the old debate on the virtue of gendering toys has sprung up again. my facebook queue has been overrun with articles,podcasts, videos all decrying the girlie-girl culture we find ourselves a part of. this most recent debate seems to have been sparked by the outrage over a new kind of legos designed and marketed specifically to girls–legos, not in traditional primary colors but in pastels and pink.
protesters fought back with a picture from another legos marketing campaign. this one has a cute redheaded girl holding a magnificent legos creation with the tag line, “What it is is beautiful.” this picture made me catch my breath, it is so reminiscent of my own delightful copper-haired imp. i look at this picture and think yes, this is what i want for my daughter. Read the rest of this entry »
several days ago i was at a park with my children. there was nothing particularly interesting about this park except for two older boys at one corner play-fighting. i don’t like my children to watch or engage in violent behavior so i tried to keep their attention on the other side of the park. but we kept hearing snippets from their dialogue: ” i have the power.” “ha ha, i just took your power.” “you can’t take it because i’m invincible.” “i have your power, i have your power.” “No. i have THE POWER.”
my daughter, valkyrie, became more and more distracted by their exchange and before i could stop her, marched over to the two boys. valkyrie stared at them intently and then proclaimed, “now i have the Power.” she snatched at the air in front of their faces as if, in this one single gesture, all of their power and the power of the universe would be instantly transferred to her. the look on their faces was priceless because, at least momentarily, my three year old daughter had taken the power. Read the rest of this entry »
cross posted at doves and serpents
the most subversive, revolutionary act in this world is to speak the truth. this is especially so for women. speaking one’s truth is an act of courage requiring a level of assertiveness that may or may not be in a woman’s possession. patriarchal cultures have traditionally frowned upon assertiveness in women, training their daughters instead to exist for those around them rather than for themselves. the consequences of trained passiveness don’t need explanation; suffice it to say that such a practice harms women in body, mind and soul.
i counseled victims of intimate partner violence for many years and saw firsthand the results of women trained to be passive and submissive. the damage done to women and children affected by this evil is unspeakable. as part of my counseling, i offered my clients an assertiveness training course. here we would learn what assertiveness is and how it differs from passiveness and aggression—a concept that is a revelation for many women. i taught my clients how to use “I” language and how to communicate in an ethical way. and then we would practice . . . and practice . . . and practice . . . Read the rest of this entry »
cross posted at the exponent
it’s that time of the year again. there’s a chill in the air, the leaves are changing, i am suddenly craving apples and pumpkin and mr. mraynes spends a good deal of each Saturday watching, reading and discussing football.
i’m not a fan of the game; i have never understood the point and find it excruciatingly boring to watch. on top of that I have a big problem with the celebration of hyper-masculinity that is football. it is stylized warfare with each team trying to march into enemy territory. think of what football says about gender roles; men should be out front fighting while women cheer them on at the sidelines. and of course those women should be blonde, buxom and in as few clothes as possible. even the rhetoric reinforces male dominance with terms such as penetrate and score. Read the rest of this entry »
cross posted at exponent
I, like many, dread the weeks we talk about gender roles at church. These conversations are often trite and repetitive and serve to alienate those who fall outside the prescribed ideals for men and women. My Relief Society had one of these lessons several weeks ago and I was pleasantly surprised that the class actively engaged with the topic and sometimes critically pushed against some of the more restrictive ideas. For example, the class had compiled a list female roles, a typical list that included things like women are nurturers. At one point one of the counselors in Relief Society presidency pointed out that there was not one role on the list that men could not fulfill except for the physical act of giving birth. Read the rest of this entry »
cross posted at the exponent
we had a little interchange here at exponent this week. it’s a fairly common one for us and a lot of female-run blogs. commenters of the male persuasion will swoop in and inform us of our general ignorance/misunderstanding of the gospel or secular issues and then attempt to explain to us “how things really are.” in the feminist blogosphere, this phenomenon is called “mansplaining”. Here’s a definition:
Mansplaining isn’t just the act of explaining while male, of course; many men manage to explain things every day without in the least insulting their listeners.
Mansplaining is when a dude tells you, a woman, how to do something you already know how to do, or how you are wrong about something you are actually right about, or miscellaneous and inaccurate “facts” about something you know a hell of a lot more about than he does.
Bonus points if he is explaining how you are wrong about something being sexist!
Think about the men you know. Do any of them display that delightful mixture of privilege and ignorance that leads to condescending, inaccurate explanations, delivered with the rock-solid conviction of rightness and that slimy certainty that of course he is right, because he is the man in this conversation?
That dude is a mansplainer. Read the rest of this entry »
cross posted at the exponent
several months ago, Salon published an article by an atheist woman obsessed with reading mormon mommy blogs. this article got a lot of attention but seemed to strike a chord with many mormon women i know. my facebook page was overrun with links to this particular article with friends commenting that although the author didn’t know it, it was really the truthfulness of the gospel that attracted her to these blogs. i personally found the article patronizing and infuriating in its reduction of mormon women to one particular genre but at the same time, oddly validating. you see, i’m a little obsessed with mormon housewife blogs myself.
i’ve analyzed this particular obsession of mine and arrived at the conclusion that i am attracted to the image of control that these women present to the world. they have the perfect family, home, clothes; they seemingly live a life full of simplicity and beauty that is intoxicating. i can’t help but compare my hectic and chaotic existence with those pictures of domestic tranquility. whether that is what’s really going on behind the scenes is beside the point, their lives look more beautiful than mine. Read the rest of this entry »
cross posted at lds wave
dear ask a feminist,
my husband and i were married in the temple over eight years ago. i hold a calling teaching relief society. my testimony is strong, but painfully damaged. to make a long story short. my husband is addicted to pornography and has been physically, verbally, financially and emotionally abusive. not to mention treats me like an object. my efforts with six bishops in eight years has been disappointing. my husband has even admitted some things to these bishops and yet he still has not ever been even put on church probation. one bishop gave him a calling and a temple recommend, but them the stake president refused to sign it. especially the last three bishops are disappointing as they know he has now been arrested for domestic violence and yet they have continued to do nothing. my husband consistently intimidates me and the children with scary anger and threats. my husband is a full tithe payer and goes to church every week, but does nothing at all to change. does the money protect his position and lack of action? he sleeps through church and if awake says prayers and makes intellectual scriptural based comments. these comments make me cringe considering the way he treated me that day and nearly every day. talk about feeling unequal. even our Heavenly Father punishes us and we as parents punish our children. not because we want to see them miserable, but because we are trying to facilitate or motivate a change. i have been blamed by his parents and by bishops. i have been asked if I am “taking care of his needs” when discussing his pornography usage. there are so many more details. i feel beaten down and want to leave him, but i haven’t worked in six years. i have an accounting degree, but i am afraid that i might lose my children if i can’t get a job and provide for them. i have gone to weekly counseling for two years now to get stronger. i’m assured, by my counselor, that i am not even depressed, just dealing with a lot. so why does this treatment of me not make sense? why are the bishops leaving all the consequences up to me. like if i don’t like it then leave him mentality. i feel neglected and unsupported. is there something in the bishop’s handbook about allowing this behavior?
sincerely,
unsupported Read the rest of this entry »
first fig 