first fig

my candle burns at both ends…

Month: August, 2012



i wrote in my last post that i’ve been having a rather difficult time lately and today i got the answer as to why. i had a blood test taken yesterday and it turns out that my thyroid is dangerously low.

i’ve been dealing with thyroid issues since i was 14 but it never gets less frustrating. a healthy level for someone like me is 2.5…i’m at a 31.

of course this completely explains why I have been so exhausted and have felt like i’m going crazy. unfortunately, this doesn’t mean any of my burdens will magically disappear or get lighter. i still have 3 kids to take care of and 2 graduate courses to finish this semester.

usually when i have a thyroid reading this bad it means I am seriously overburdened and need to take better care of myself. so i’m going to take a break for a couple of days while my body recovers and after that i’ll probably post a little bit lighter.

and one day i’ll be an (un)employed graduate and will have all the time in the world to post interesting and thought-provoking things. but until then…



monster and valkyrie have had quite a bit of developmental testing done and they the major finding each time i that they have issues with transitions. well, they come by it honestly because I have major issues with transitions.

three years ago when I went from a full time working mother to a full time stay at home mother i fell into a horrible depression that lasted six months. after spending the summer as basically a working mother again, this past week where i have transitioned back into the primary caregiver has been rough.

my anxiety is sky high and i’m feeling the tendrils of depression wrap around my heart. i have been dealing with mental health issues long enough to know when i need help and i have this under as much control as i can. but still, i’m exhausted.

it was valkyrie’s first day of full time preschool so i’m hoping once we are all settled in our new schedule things will ease up.

i just have to keep telling myself one step at a time.



today is monster’s first day of kindergarten. i’m not one for being overly sentimental but i didn’t want this day to go undocumented. being 5 and going to kindergarten is a huge milestone and i’m so proud of my boy for getting there.


We also painted our back door red this weekend–a beautiful, pinky cranberry–it makes me happy. I can’t get a good shot of it to save my life so you’ll just have to believe me when I say it was exactly what our house needed.

how was your weekend? do you have any kids back at school today?

we are but seeds of social change


we live in downtown denver in a neighborhood that is traditionally african american. it can be uncomfortable to cross racial lines but it has been so good for our family.

i love that i am constantly being challenged to examine my privilege. i love that i am learning to relate with people that i have not had a lot of opportunity to interact with due to mostly living in predominantly white, suburban areas. i love that my children are surrounded by diversity and won’t grow up believing that the white, middle class experience is the normative experience. and i love that the winds of social justice are just in the ether here.

i took the above picture just blocks from our home painted on the back of an abandoned building. our neighborhood pool has a beautiful mural painted on it celebrating collaboration between all people and specifically calling for unity with the LGBTQ community. monster went to a neighborhood preschool for half the year where they were taught the black national anthem and learned about black historical figure year-round.

it is refreshing to be in a community that doesn’t take their privileges for granted but also is committed to making society better for everybody.

I am grateful


1) the cookie monster version of the song, “call me maybe” because it brings out monster’s best dance moves.

2) this week is almost over.

3) lionheart still looks like a baby. it makes his toddler annoying-ness easier to handle.

4) sprinklers.

5) muffins. when all other foods fail my kids will always eat a muffin.

telling the whole story

over the summer mr. mraynes stayed at home with the children so that i could go to the office everyday and work on my thesis. this was brilliant and so, so appreciated but it has certainly made this week much more difficult.

i had forgotten just how hard it is, how you don’t even have 2 minutes of uninterrupted time to write a coherent sentence. mr. mraynes went back to work on monday and once again i took up the reigns of stay-at-home parent. it will really be for this week only, monster and valkyrie start full-time school next week and lionheart is relatively easy. but this week has been hard. Read the rest of this entry »

on rape and being a woman

(trigger warning: rape/sexual assault)

around the time i got my learner’s permit to drive my mother came home from a PTA meeting where a deputy from the local police department had spoken with them about teaching their daughters self-defense. they were given a few techniques and then sent home with a self-defense tool. that evening my mother presented me with a white, plastic kubaton and demonstrated how to use it.

“if a man comes to sexually assault you hold the kubaton like a javelin. make yourself as big as you can and then scream and growl in a deep and threatening manner. like this: haaarrrrrroooooggggwwwwrrrrrrr!!!! then rush at him and jab him in the throat. this will collapse his trachea and then he’ll die!” Read the rest of this entry »

i am grateful


i missed my gratitude post last week because of our trip so i’ll have to do two this week to make up for it. for today

1) i get to enjoy my children all week because mr. mraynes has gone back to work and the kids don’t go back to school until next week.

2) the new chalkboard wall we painted before we left for vacation occupies all the children for whole 15 minute stretches. it’s lovely.

3) the women of my congregation who are so loving and supportive.

4) the homemade grilled pizza that mr. mraynes is going to make when he gets home from work tonight.

5) our weekend juice cleanse that got rid of all of the nasty after-effects of vacation eating.

happy saturday!


i have a post up based on one i wrote here at the exponent today. come check it out!


scenes from vacation

we got home last evening and are still getting our feet under us. so while that happens I thought I would put up more pictures from the wedding/vacation.





we had a great time but it is so nice to be home! hopefully next week I’ll have some real posts but it’s the last week before school so we’ll have to see.